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  In anticipation of this weekend's game against the Gophers, an Ole and Lena joke for you:   Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, ...

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Allegedly real newspaper headline bloopers from InnocentEnglish.com: Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Teacher Strike Idles Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half War Dims Hope for Peace Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Crack ...

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For no reason at all, today a collection of Chuck Norris jokes:   Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them. Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris turns on a night light when he goes to bed. It's not because he's scared of the dark - it's Because the dark is scared of him. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it ...

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Jessica Wilbur came home earlier this month to find her 5-year-old daughter, Isabella, was gone. Not at the house they shared with Jessica’s mom, who had been watching the girl. Not in Guernsey, where they live. Just gone. Jessica, 20, had left Isabella in her grandma’s care while she visited her boyfriend’s ailing mother in Texas, according to the documents her attorney filed last week in Johnson County District Court. The three had lived together for Isabella’s entire life. Jessica didn’t want ...

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  Monday, Monday. Here are "real" resume mistakes from Jokeshumor.net  TMI: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I ...

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  There’s no question in my mind that recently appointed Johnson County supervisor Janelle Rettig is qualified for the job. She’s worked on city, county and state boards and commissions, for a state representative and U.S. Congressman. She has been an effective advocate for issues she believes in. She gets work done. Even if there was some objective way to weed out the single-best person to fill late Supervisor Larry Meyers’ sadly vacant seat, Rettig easily could be that person. That’s true even ...

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An unlucky 13 joke from Funny Jokes: Two cat burglars were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!” “But we’re on the 13th floor,” the second one said. The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious!” Got a joke? Send it my way: jennifer.hemmingsen@gazcomm.com

I'm usually not a big fan of e-mail forwards, but this one -- authors unknown -- tickled me this morning.   *Random thoughts from people 25-40 years old* -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I ...

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Three veterans were talking down at the VA,  and the subject turned to their families' military histories. "When he was just 13," the first proudly declared, " my great-grandfather was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Well mine went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn," boasted the second. "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" the first two asked. "Nothing much," she ...

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  You’d have to forgive a foreign visitor for concluding that our Veterans Day is some kind of national observance of shopping. A celebration of cheap winter boots, accessories and intimate apparel — of hot deals and cool new looks. I don’t know how or exactly when the holiday was co-opted by consumerism, but there’s little doubt that more people will hit the mall today than all the local Veterans Day ceremonies, luncheons and talks put together. Not that long ago, stores actually would ...

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Today's joke is inspired by all the oddball crime stories we've been posting so far this week, and it comesfrom Comedy Zone: A man walks into the sheriff's office. "I want to become a deputy," he says "Good," says the sheriff. "I want to you to catch this man." He hands the man a wanted poster. The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young ...

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A recently released survey of health systems in 11 countries found that U.S. primary care doctors are "significantly behind" many of their international peers when it comes to using information technology and providing access to quality care. But that's not very funny. How about this, instead: A man goes to see his doctor for some test results. "I've got good news, and I've got bad news," the doctor says. "What do you want to hear first?" "The good news," the man says. "Well, they're going to name a ...

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We’ve all got our rules about how the world is supposed to work. And when it doesn’t work that way, it can be unsettling. But when the difference between what is and what’s supposed to be puts our lives or our safety at risk, it’s more than that — it can be traumatic. Trauma victims aren’t just upset or scared — they’re at sea, overwhelmed, with no idea what to believe or who to trust. Their world’s foundations have been rocked by ...

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From my perch here on Clinton and Washington streets, I can see Iowa Citians getting ready for another big weekend. So in their honor, a bar joke (and a science joke, too, because I'm just that kind of nerd): A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"."   Got a joke? Send it my way: jennifer.hemmingsen@gmail.com

Because I'm just now getting around to today's joke, here's one about lateness  from basicjokes.com, which offers a "clean jokes for a dirty world". Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom ...

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  Today only, because I like you, a two-fer from this collection of school jokes: On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What did you do at school today?" The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing". Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?" The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to ...

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You can’t blame parents for worrying first and foremost about how redrawing Iowa City School boundaries will affect their own children. You even can understand why they’d take up the bulk of Q&A time at Monday night’s meeting with consultants and school administrators. A couple of hundred people showed up at Parkview Church to learn about the redistricting process and make sure their interests were being taken into account. They wanted to be heard during this, the district’s first comprehensive redistricting in nearly ...

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That's all she wrote. At 8:38 p.m., the Iowa City votes all are counted with financial planner Susan Mims and downtown business owner Terry Dickens  taking the at-large seats. They earned with 75 percent and 70 percent, respectively -- no big surprise there. University of Iowa students and candidates Dan Tallon (16 percent) and Jeff Shipley (18 percent) brought a lot of life to the race, but just couldn't bring the votes. Their big chance, with on-campus satellites, fell flat --only a few handfuls of people voted there. Neither ...

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Why is it that all political jokes are so snarky? I scoured the internets for whole minutes to find you a good Election Day joke, and this was the best I could come up with. Don't forget to vote today -- I'll be updating the blog this evening as results start rolling in.   "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" Got a joke? Send ...

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Join Todd Dorman and me at noon for a live chat about tomorrow's elections. But first, a satirical news story about politicans from The Onion:   Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response October 28, 2009 | Issue 45•44 Related Articles Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees 02.04.09 Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama 12.17.08   WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, ...

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  It’s just one part of the sprawling, 1,990-page health care reform bill House Democrats unveiled last week. But proposed changes in Medicare reimbursements could make a huge difference for Iowa’s health care providers. Right now, we’re second-to-last among states in Medicare reimbursements per beneficiary. We’ve been at the bottom of the pile for years, partly because our system does such a good job of keeping people well. A recent Commonwealth Fund study found Iowa is second only to Vermont in terms of health care ...

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Tomorrow's Halloween, so today, some important tips from Halloween Online Magazine: When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. It isn't. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. When you have the benefit of a group of people, NEVER pair off and go it alone. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. If you find ...

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Today's joke is courtesy of Becky Smiley in Iowa City: "If you take the circumference of a Jack O'Lantern and divide by its diameter, do you get pumpkin Pi?"   Got a joke? Send it my way: jennifer.hemmingsen@gazcomm.com

Thanks to everyone who sent math jokes my way yesterday in honor of today's column. This silly little number is from University of Alberta math professor Volker Runde's collection:   Q: What did the zero say to the 8? A: Nice belt!   Got a joke? Send it my way: jennifer.hemmingsen@gazcomm.com

  Quick, solve this problem: Mary has six apples and four times as many oranges. How many more oranges than apples does she have? Pencils down. How did you do? If you went to school in this country, you likely solved the problem like this: First, you multiplied six times four to get 24. Then you subtracted six to come up with the answer — 18. Then, if you’re like me, you thought, wait — did I figure that correctly? Whatever, you’d say. Close enough. But if ...

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